How do you make a friend? It’s a tricky question for me. In my home, I was brought up to believe that my greatest achievement was to get my education. But in society, I received strong messages that my greatest achievement was to get a man. There were no messages on how to make a friend, except for knowing which kinds of friends to avoid.
Being a young woman and in need of a friend, I was lost. How exactly would I make a friend that wasn’t the kind of friend to avoid, and how would I know that without not avoiding them in the first place? It was a complicated issue, fraught with rules I couldn’t follow and presumptions I couldn’t make. I could give my name and smile, and maybe even share a pack of gum or something. But after that, I was lost.
My first real friendship started simple: an exchange of names, smiles and small talk. We may have even shared a pack of gum. I wish I could say I had something to do with that initial meeting. I wish I could take some friendship guru expert-like credit. But I didn’t do anything except show up and do what I was supposed to be doing: a jog warmup for track practice. We jogged at the same pace and seemed to have a few things in common. When we finally exchanged phone numbers, I held on to that little slip of paper she gave me, shoved it deep into my pocket, and then later in my purse’s most secret hiding place, and felt like I had reached my greatest achievement. But I hadn’t done a thing. I needed a friend, and we both showed up. That was almost forty years ago, and we are still friends today.
Over the years, I have become an inveterate friendship seeker. Not an expert, only a seeker. I know not all women are eligible to be a good friend. It takes a particular kind of woman to show up and be her best self, through all her terrific and terrible traits, over and over again, and to let the other person do the same. Finding a friend means you have to take your time and choose wisely. My friendships reflect some of the best choices I’ve made.
So, the only way I know to make a friend is to take my time and choose wisely. Show up, smile, give my name, maybe share a pack of gum or something, and hope we both keep showing up, being our most authentic selves, respecting each other’s decisions and boundaries. And then wake up one morning and realize we’ve seen each other through a lifetime. And so the friendship begins again, even deeper, and I will have celebrated another great achievement.
Let’s Commit
Take steps to improve your relationship with:
- God – Matthew 6:33
- Others – Matthew 7:1
- Self – Matthew 7:7